This is gonna be short because I gots a crap load of cleaning up to do.  I woke up with an enormous amount of energy today, better not waste it.  But I gotta have my cereal first, so I have a few minutes.  Anyway...

I feel like there's so way I could live up to his standards.  He talks of ex's, and his likes and dislikes.  I don't think I fit in.  But apparently he does.  Makes me feel good, but it's a confusing state of mind.  Happy that he's into me, but I have no freakin idea why.  The whole fatgirl syndrom thing starts coming into play.  Yeah, I've lost 60 lbs.  Still not used to it.  Still a lot to go.  I don't see myself like others do.  Most of the time I see myself as if I were looking at an old picture.  I know I've changed, but sometimes I just can't see it.  Sounds crazy I know.  But he definately makes it easier.  It'd be nice to think that I won't put up with guys that treat me like crap anymore.  I deserve better, and he treats me as if I do.  It's eye opening.  I used to put up with things because I felt I had to.  Heh, no more.  Even if things with him don't work out.  Oy.  I need to clean.

It's been a hellish couple of days.  Four to be exact.  I've been the queen bitch for the last four days and for someone who's not used to it, it's exhausting.  I don't even know what's been up with me.  Tired and achy and bitchy.. work hasn't exactly helped either, because although I love a lot of the people I work with, there are some that just grate my nerves with their stupidity.  And I just realized that everyone that was I was working with when I started there... four months ago?... out of everyone I am the only one left.  That store has possibly the worst turnover out of the whole company.  Wow.  So basically what that means is that I'll almost always have an endless supply of fresh stupidity.

Some friends and I talked of relationships over some beer last night.  In our discussions, I came to a conclusion which apparently everyone else had realized ages ago.  The perfect relationship at this point in life, would be one where neither party is up the other's ass.  Basically I would enjoy being able to do my thing, he does his.  If they happen to mesh, it's all good, enjoy the company.  But even if I go out and do my thing, when I wake up in the morning I have that person next to me.  I have a friend who has made his girl's life and his own, into one.  They don't do anything separate from each other.  And it's not even because they share mutual friends or because they enjoy the same things, it's because that's how she wants it.  When I do see him (and her of course) they are always bickering (over stupid childish things), and he always gives in.  He's not happy but because he's so far up her ass, he can't see it.  I used to have that.  My guy's life became my life, and now I have nothing left of what my life was before.  My point is that I want to keep what I have now, and just have that person who will be there when all is said and done.  Isn't that pretty much what everyone wants?

I'm not unhappy.  I'm not happy.  Nor am I content.  I don't know what I am right now.  I want to cry, but at the same time I don't want to because I have no reason.  It might be just "one of those things".  It was just "one of those things".  It might not be just "one of those things".  I feel a withdrawl coming on again.  Got to get things figured out for me.  I'm going to be moving soon, not ready to do so.  I get so carried away with other people I forget about myself.  I always have to be doing something though.  I am not happy being alone.  I don't know many people who are.  But I am so good at running from that feeling, I lose track of my priorities.  Oy.

I am not good at being middle-of-the-road with my feelings.  But I'm going to have to be.  I really do have an all-or-nothing approach to things sometimes.  That's bad.  I am told I need to find solace in moderation.  So I suppose a total withdrawl is not what i really need.  I need a balance point between my desires and my responsibilities.  Okay.

I really am okay.  Not happy per say, but okay.